Get It Together – I’ve Gotta GO
This is my first personal post. I don’t know how I feel about this yet.
Ama Baad. Glory to Allah if only I could be so much better than I am. Allah’s favors and mercy upon me I can’t even fathom. Truly His is the Lord of the Worlds – Rubbil-Alameen. I suggested DH get a CELTA. Not that he’s hesitant, but he’s a tech. Tech guys like to work with their hands, they enjoy being alone, finding the root of the problem and resolving it. He fixes lg scale systems and over the years he has enjoyed it. His intelligence is a little bit much for his profession, his mentor told him this years ago; but he wanted to move overseas, and this was what his mentor did – and what a friend suggested he do as it would be a great profession overseas. His mentor instructor had done this for quite some time and had a nice life as an expat. However, that was then when all technical work was hired out to the Americans and Brits. If you could wield a screwdriver and your were American…..come on down. But now things are hired out to cheaper Indian labor. They don’t have the skills even with an engineering degree that DH has, but its still cheaper to hire them. Besides I think he’s a little burned out from the gig. Its been a good long stretch in the profession, but there’s nothing else he can learn from it and that’s when its no good. However, he’s a man who gets up; and men like that go to work and leave the creativity and hopeful thinking in a tin can with the screws.
Which is why we work so well; I can be crazy and forward thinking and brash and scatterbrained and ADD and looneytunes because I have a man who gets up. He’s my hero. So when I finally made the decision to stop being…I don’t know what I’m being…and do, he was all for it. “What are we going to do?” “Let’s go babe; let’s not wait – wait for what? for us to have to deal with teenagers and then make a scramble for something real?” And then I suggested he get a different certification. Now whenever I suggest something to DH, I already…..you see I get the parts, I study the schematics, build the vehicle, check the parts, test the mechanisms, insert the keys, open the door, and have him get in. If he likes the color, the seats – then we’re off; and if not, he gets out and closes the door – and my project is in the junk yard..
He thinks about it and doesn’t say no. So I pray this will work out. So things just keep falling in place. Now for me.
What is this self-defeating behavior. It’s as if you can see the finish line right in front of you, you are ahead of your competitors, you feel the trophy for first place right in you hand, and then you trip over the 5th hurdle. This inability to finish an action, to be consistent in work and action, to allow yourself to be successful. That is not a proper word for this; rather, it is more attuned to to being free from paralysis. It just seizes me at times and I despise its onslaught. I curse its nature and its habit. This is not laziness for it is during times like this that I am most intraspective and thoughtful but I am also weird and haphazard. I can’t write, or I’m never pleased with my work; I’m obsessive over the task I’m doing and can’t seem to give things their proper allotment of time.
Cursed ADD.
I will eat 5 cans of sardines and 3 tbsp of Cod Liver Oil!!!…..starting tomorrow, maybe the next day.
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